How Do I Find a Good Therapist?

Finding a therapist is weird.

You're essentially scrolling through pictures of strangers, reading paragraphs about how compassionate and nonjudgmental they are, trying to decide which one feels trustworthy enough for you to share the most intimate parts of your story.

Nearly every therapist's profile tells you that they provide a safe space. You'll see words like warm, supportive, empowering, evidence-based, trauma-informed, and client-centered over and over again. But none of these things tell you whether or not they're a good therapist. More specifically, it can be hard trying to decide who would be a good therapist for YOU.

Let’s review my recommendations for identifying the right therapist for you. 

Start with whether they know what they're doing

Maybe you’re assuming all therapists are created equal.

We're not. 🙃

Just like in any other profession, we're regular people with jobs. Similar to a hairstylist, teacher, or doctor, therapists have varying levels of training, experience, skill, and approaches to their work. You should ask about your therapist's training, experience, and how they approach care. You're not looking for a therapist who can name ten different modalities. You're looking for someone who can explain how they think about and approach their work.

How do they make decisions about your care? How do they understand treatment, healing, or change? What are they paying attention to when they're sitting across from you?

The therapist may not seem incredibly confident in all of their answers, and that's okay. Uncertainty doesn't always mean incompetence. But they should be communicating, on some level, that they know what they're doing.

You don't need someone who agrees with you all the time

I don't think a therapist's job is to take your side.

That doesn't mean therapy should feel confrontational or that your therapist should constantly be calling you out. But there is a difference between feeling understood and having everything you say affirmed.

A good therapist should be able to get curious with you about the places where your story doesn't quite add up, where your actions and desires don't match, or where you keep finding yourself in the same situation.

You should be able to trust that the questions aren't coming from judgment, but possibly from accountability, honesty, or care.

Part of your job in therapy will be to relinquish some control and trust your therapist with the mirror they hold up. That requires actually trusting the person holding it.

If you leave the consultation not trusting them, they aren't your therapist.

Pay attention to values, too

Your therapist doesn't need to share every identity, belief, or value you have. In fact, I don't think therapy requires us to see the world exactly the same way.

But religion matters. Race matters. Gender and sexuality matter. Politics matter. Culture matters. The way your therapist thinks about family, marriage, parenting, work, money, power, and responsibility can make its way into the therapy room whether either of you intends for it to or not.

You are allowed to ask questions about this.

If religion is important to you, you can ask how a therapist approaches religion in their work. If you need a therapist who is affirming of LGBTQ+ people, you should know that before you start telling them your story. If race is an important part of how you understand your experiences, you can ask how they think about race and culture in therapy.

You don't necessarily need a therapist who agrees with you.

You do need a therapist who can make room for you.

Notice whether you can be a whole person in the room

Pay attention to whether you feel judged or like your every move is being analyzed or diagnosed. Therapy is meant to be a space where you can lower your guard and allow your most authentic self to connect with another person.

You don't need to be anyone other than who you are in therapy. Sometimes that means your answer to a question is simply, "I don't know." If you disagree with your therapist, you should feel safe enough to say so.

For me, that's part of what makes therapy useful. We're trying to understand how your mind works, and you're the only person who has actually lived inside of it.

Your therapist may notice things you haven't noticed. They may ask questions you haven't thought to ask. They may see a pattern before you do.

But they should remain curious, not judgemental, about you.

And then there's fit

A therapist can be excellent at their job and still not be your therapist.

You may want someone who talks more. Someone else may want considerably more silence. You might want a therapist who is direct, who asks questions, and who isn't afraid to tell you when they notice something. Someone else may hate that.

The consultation is a chance to pay attention to some of this.

Do I feel like I could actually talk to this person?

Am I curious about what it would be like to think with them?

Do I feel like they're listening to me, rather than waiting to tell me what they already think?

You don't have to leave a consultation thinking, "This person is going to change my life."

I'd settle for wanting to have another conversation.

Finding a good therapist in Indianapolis

If you're looking for a therapist in Indianapolis, you have a lot of options. That can be a good thing, but it can also make choosing someone harder.

Most therapists, including me, offer free consultations for exactly this reason. Use them. Ask questions. Pay attention to how the conversation feels. Notice whether the therapist seems interested in understanding you or primarily interested in explaining themselves to you.

You may not know for sure after fifteen minutes. That's okay.

But hopefully, you leave the conversation thinking: I could talk to this person again.

That's enough information to decide whether you want to start.

A note about AI: I wrote this piece and am responsible for its final content. I used AI as part of my writing and editing process to help me organize my thoughts, refine language, and think through structure.