Why Can't I Get My Shit Together?

You've bought the planner. You've made the lists. You've downloaded the apps. You've promised yourself that this week you're going to stay on top of things.

But for some reason, it doesn't work out.

There are emails you haven't answered. Something you were supposed to schedule two weeks ago. The laundry has been sitting in the dryer for a week. There's a thing for work you absolutely could have finished days ago, but now you're waiting until the pressure becomes unbearable enough to make you do it.

You know what you're supposed to do.

That's part of what makes it so frustrating.

Why can't I just get my shit together?

Fair question.

But what if we asked it like an actual question rather than an accusation?

What if you really wanted to know?

Why can't you get your shit together?

Not with the assumption that the answer is that you're lazy, irresponsible, undisciplined, or need to try harder.

What if we approached the question with curiosity and wonder?

Why do you always wait until the last minute?

Why is it easier to do something when there's pressure coming from outside of you?

What feelings come up when you know you have something to do?

How did this habit form?

Where did you see it modeled?

When does this happen, and when doesn't it?

What changes when the thing you're supposed to do is something you actually want to do?

I don't know the answers to those questions.

You might not either.

But now we have something to be curious about.

This is what I mean by mind mapping

A lot of therapy starts with something you want to change.

You procrastinate. You overthink. You can't say no. You keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships. You know what you should do, but you can't seem to make yourself do it.

My instinct isn't to immediately figure out how to make you stop.

I want to map it.

What happens before it? What feelings come up? What do you believe about yourself when it happens? Where did you learn to respond this way? When does the pattern show up and when does it disappear? What makes it better? What makes it worse?

We're trying to understand how your mind works before deciding what needs to change.

Sometimes the things we are most frustrated by make considerably more sense once we understand the map around them.

Curiosity doesn't mean you don't change

Understanding why you do something doesn't mean deciding you should keep doing it.

You can understand why you procrastinate and still want to stop procrastinating. You can understand why you avoid something and still decide you need to do it.

But there is a difference between:

Why the fuck do I always do this?

and

Why do I always do this?

Same words, almost.

Completely different question.

One already has an answer hidden inside of it: because there's something wrong with me.

The other leaves room to find out.

You can't punish yourself into doing better. You can pressure yourself into doing things. You may have gotten very good at that.

But if you're tired of having the same fight with yourself, maybe the next step isn't trying harder.

Maybe it's slowing down long enough to actually wonder:

Why do I do this?